August 25, 2013

how to interact with me at worldcon

Hi all,

Just taking a moment to officially announce that YES, I am going to Worldcon, which is officially called “LonestarCon,” because this Worldcon is 100% sponsored by Lone Star Beer, the official beer of Texas, any other beer is treason please drink lone star beer (the official beer of Texas pleasedrinklonestarbeer).

Here are some things you need to know about me at Worldcon, because I am a personage of GREAT DELICACY.

Here are the rules for engaging with me:

  1. I will be in COMPLETE human mode this time. If you see if a wolf in the halls of the Convention, it is NOT me.
  2. I will NOT astrally project myself into any social situations, so do NOT address empty space as if I am there because I am not (there).
  3. Speak ONLY with your mouth at me. I will ONLY respond to mouthtalk. If I am addressed with asstalk I will NOT respond.
  4. You MAY touch my face. I ENCOURAGE you to touch my face. You should be touching my face RIGHT NOW.
  5. You MAY take things from my pockets. In my right pocket will be FRESH FIGS. In my left pocket will be MANY KEYS. These keys will open a door of your choosing. Behind that door will be either the greatest thing in your life, or the worst. That is NOT up to me.
  6. Search my back pockets AT YOUR PERIL.
  7. Do NOT touch my hair. I cannot reiterate this enough. This is for your OWN SAFETY.
  8. If you bring up my BOOKS, I will STARE at you in MUTE TERROR and then SLOWLY SHUFFLE backwards OUT OF THE ROOM. I understand my books even LESS than I understand SEX.
  9. Do NOT attempt SEX with me. I do NOT understand it.
  10. ALCOHOL must go in my BIG WET FACE HOLE that is lined with BONE. I will NOT accept alcohol in ANY other HOLE.
  11. I will NOT have fun. Do NOT expect me to have fun. I am there SPECIFICALLY to feel alienated from other alienated people (ideally the people I should identify with, but WILL NOT).
  12. WHAT is WORLDCON? I do NOT really KNOW, but I WILL be GOING.