May 2, 2014

Some other stuff that is over and dead, besides novels

Because the Guardian went ahead and declared novels as dead, I thought it’d be useful for me to join in and list some other stuff that uninformed people think is common and good, but is actually dead and not done anymore.

Here you go:

1. Windows – Windows are completely passé at this point. There used to be a market for people inside of a thing, like a building or a car or maybe a boat, that also wanted to see outside of that thing, but it’s proven to be a fad and we’re moving beyond it. Where I am people generally avoid windows or they just forget they’re there. Sometimes they glance at a window and say, “gosh, what a weird part of this wall,” and when they realize they’ve been looking out of a window they’re really embarrassed.

2. Shoes – Shoes are just weirdo gloves for your feet with thick palms (the palm-part being the part of the foot-glove that goes down on the ground, in this description). Once we got iPhones and started snapchatting, it quickly became apparent that it was pretty ridiculous that we’d had these things for the past hundred or so years. I’m still not sure why we were putting things on that particular part of the body. It was a big lol, that moment. I lolled.

3. Anything smaller than a bird – These are unnecessary. A bird is the appropriate minimum size of a thing. Other, smaller things – like coins, spiders, little rocks, a baby’s eye – are not needed. We’ve woken up and realized we’ve been burdened by these ridiculous fripperies for too long.

4. Containers that are wider than they are tall – This one is self-explanatory. I don’t use plates with edges anymore, personally, and I don’t know anyone who does, nor would I wish to.

5. Face-touching with the mouth-part of the face – When people were very drunk they used to do this, to touch their mouths to other people’s mouths, but as times have changed it’s become clear that this particular act is wholly unneeded, and a waste of time.